dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There r osticjed everywhere
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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