i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
