Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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