I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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