sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
