Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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