no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
