Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
