You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
