Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
