if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
