Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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