Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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