I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
