And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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