Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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