Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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