yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
