I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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