in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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