Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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