I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
