i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
