I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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