Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
