Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
