I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
