my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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