Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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