When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
