Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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