Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
zippers are such a cool invention
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
