I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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