I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I look better un-naked...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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