Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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