I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
