I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
