dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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