I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know her cup size but not her name....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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