I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
