I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
