Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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