He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
