I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
