I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
