Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
