I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The air was thick with penises
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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