So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
