sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I just sharted jello shots
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
