Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
