Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
