Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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