The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
