cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize