When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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