Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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