Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
